At my worst…

Everyone goes through up’s and down’s in life, so I have seen and so I’ve been told. However, a point in my life was just all about down’s. I couldn’t see any light in my life and my mind felt like it was drowning in a black sea and at any moment I would be dragged under and I would never see the light of day ever again.

I was completely lost, I didn’t know who I was, what made me, me! I had stopped doing things I loved, I couldn’t even remember what I loved from life. What did I have to get me up in the morning? What made me smile, my weekends enjoyable? Quickly I felt I had no purpose, no reason for being. I truly believed I was hurting my family because they hated seeing me in this state and it would be so much easier for everyone if they didn’t have to see me like this or deal with me at all. Looking back I still feel shocked that my mind went to such a dark place. I was already seeking help, but I completely underestimated the severity of depression and anxiety, how long it takes to even start healing and that it’s possible to feel worse before feeling better.

When I was in that place I contemplated suicide, I had a plan in place, but somehow I managed to utter three words to my husband “I need help”. He didn’t question me, he didn’t tell me I was being over dramatic, he held me close and then drove me to A&E. I spoke to a mental health nurse and they helped me, made me see that I’m OK and everything will get better. The exhaustion that came after was extreme, 2 days I spent in bed just recovering from the mental exhaustion but day by day I dragged myself through life and now I can slowly see me coming back to life.

I never thought I would go to that place and honestly if you looked at my life it doesn’t scream depression. But, I did go to that place and it shows that depression and anxiety can hit anyone at anytime. It is not a phase but a disease of the mind, a hidden illness that eats from the inside and I now hope that people reading this can have a glimpse of what depression and anxiety can do to people. But, this is the tip of the iceberg! And it’s different for every single person.

In my eyes I was completely broken I am having to rebuild myself mentally, physically and emotionally. It is hard work and everyday is an effort but I am getting there.

If you ever feel that you are in this place then here is a few things that you can do:

Go to A&E if you think you are putting your life in danger. That is what A&E is for! You require urgent care.

If you need someone to talk to phone the Samaritans on 0845 790 9090 or visit their website

Elefriends is another website where you can make posts and talk to others suffering from mental illnesses, visit:

Finally, there is an App called Stay Alive, which contains contacts if you need urgent help and tools you can put in place to go back to when you feel that you are in a dark place.

Much love x

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